31 Juli, 2006

Hey folks!

This weekend's almost done and what a weekend it was...Though I'm all alone, stumbling solitudely through this world, I spent a good time with my friends. Well, my parents left on friday and just came back, so I had the whole home for me. Went working for 7 hours at Saturday and still had enough energy left to go to a school party in town.
Sunday was boring at its beginning but then it turned out to have so much more in behold for me. After training for nearly two hours with the sword I went home and found myself chatting again with what seems to be an angel for me...I can tell, right now, right here, there's nothing more that I could have used than to have some great conversations. I always feel freed and it seems that I can find a little peace inside myself within these words that I'm giving and taking. Well, I guess no one really understands what I'm trying to tell...well, then just understand that I'm happy to be...

28 Juli, 2006

Don't ask me why I bring up three posts on one day...Just had to post the lyrics this noon. And maybe it's because I'm so happy today. Just drove to the MM and bought me 3 new CD's, To whom it may concern, the CD's are: Stonesour - Come What(ever) may; Rise Against - The Sufferer and the Wittness; Good Riddance - My Republic. Heard all three in the car and I just love them. Not long ago I was convinced that I'm slightly sick because of my addiction to music...but right now I'm so glad to know so many songs that help me understand myself. And even if you are not addicted to music just be sure to have something to hold you up when everything else is trying to pull you down.

Yesterday I have been told that my Blog's quite good to read even if my Englisch isn't as good as it had been a year ago. If you don't mind, please post me your opinion about my blog in a comment or a mail.

Well...good fight, good night and see you in the pub!

"The Wings of Love
I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted
and I truly believed"

"I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the line
In case I need it when I'm older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like the world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see the love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now...I've travelled so far
To change this lonely life..."
"There was a time when I was so broken hearted
Love wasn't much of a friend of mine
The tables have turned, cause me and them, ways have parted
That kind of love was the killing kind

All I want is someone I can't resist
I know all I need to know by the way I got kissed...

I was crying when I met you
Now I'm trying to forget you
Love's a sweet misery
I was crying just to get you
Now I'm dying cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me..."
What an evening! Had a great time chatting with a person and now I feel kind of relieved. It eased my mind to have a good chat after a so long time of being quiet. Afterwards, I went out on the balcony and watched the sky for at least an hour. The Lightning without the thunder is really hypnotizing. I stared in the black sky and felt a weight falling of my shoulders. Everything was quiet except nature...and you can call me crazy or insane...but I think it talked and listened to me without saying a word. And I suddenly knew that there's something out there we will never be able to understand or to describe with our words. Either you feel it or you do not. I can tell, that I loved this evening and that I'm quite sure, that I can sleep tonight.

"If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open..."

25 Juli, 2006

Ich werde von heute an mal auf deutsch schreiben. Es lesen ja eh nicht so viele Leute mit, als dass ich Angst haben müsste, irgendwelche Konsequenzen tragen zu müssen (merkt man ja an der Zahl der Kommentare, die bis jetzt nur von einer Person kommen).

Vielleicht hats ja der ein oder andere gemerkt: ich schließe jeden Eintrag mit einem Auszug aus einem Song, den ich entweder gerade im Ohr habe, oder der besonders gut zum Beitrag oder meiner Stimmungslage passt.

Ich hab in den letzten Tagen wieder vermehrt über mich und die Situation in der ich mich befinde nachgedacht. Eigentlich bin ich ganz froh, dass alles so gekommen ist, wie es gekommen ist. Ich bin mir eigentlich relativ sicher, dass ich nochmals jemanden kennen lernen werde, der eine besondere Stellung in meinem Leben einnehmen wird. Ich weiß vielleicht noch nicht wer das sein wird, oder wo und wann ich ihn zu Gesicht bekomme, aber ich bin sicher, dass es einmal soweit sein wird. Vielleicht bin ich auch einfach zu optimistisch, aber das hoffe ich doch nicht. Alsdann wünsche ich eine geruhsame Nacht und ein erfolgreiches Leben.

24 Juli, 2006

Can't get enough sleep these times...lying awake every night isn't very healthy I guess...
But I can't change it anyway...my new job's boring me, but at least I earn some money. Well, allready told you what I gonna do with it. Looking forward to it and to have a change on me again...

A month ago, I wanted to make a complete change in my life...had the plan to leave this town...allready got used to the feeling of being somewhere new...well, old. But now I feel quite comfortable...I'm so glad to have my friends hanging out with me...and even if I'm down, they always find ways to clear my mind and get my feet back on the ground...Wanna thank you so much but don't know how...I'm feeling sad on this but I hope they know how much they mean to me and that they have become the reason for me to stay...

"And when you're down on your luck
Hey baby, its a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
And when you're really down and out
And you feel like there's no way out now
Let go now let go of your tears some more"

20 Juli, 2006

It's far too hot for a normal summer...but who'd expected this at all...Having taken the chance to earn some money with an easy and, well, boring job, I made the decision to have myself another tattoo, as soon as I get my first payment...
Now for something completely similar...I don't know why I'm so afraid of talking to girls I don't know...it's not that I don't want to get known to them, but I'm afraid of being rejected for another time...I hope I'll find the strength to do whatever it takes to stop my solitude..-

"So many people they don't give a damn
They look away when they see what I am
I've been like half a man but I could be whole
Won't you befriend this solitary soul?"

By the way: I'm getting asked again and again why I write all this stuff in English...Well, first of all I think that English is a much more lyrical language than any other I'm capable of writing. I know for sure that my English is not as good as it could bem but I don't care for that...It's a kind of protection for me...It gives me a better feeling to write down my feelings in a foreign language than to see the words in German....Don't know exactly why, so please don't ask any further...
PS: thanks for my first comment...never expected anyone to read this at all...but I'm happy that you (you know who) wrote this...

"I'm looking at you through the glass, don't know how much time has passed...
But it feels like forever and no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head..."

"'How do you feel?' That is your question...but I've forgotten that you don't expect an answer...
So what am I supposed to write now? And what I'm supposed to do? Do you really think I couldn't see this through? Tell me to stick around for you...tell me I can have it all..."

11 Juli, 2006

Another restless night for me...just took a walk outside to clear my mind. I'd forgotten how adorable a lonely night can be. Everything stands back and I'm all by myself. The stars look so beautiful tonight and the full moon shines on the fields. I've lost myself out there tonight and went home again far after midnight. I never could have said that I missed such nights in the past two years but right now, I'm so glad that someone above is taking care of me and gives me the chance to find myself again. By the way: I think I'm doing pretty well these times. Sometimes I'm a little pissed off and I'm sorry for everyone who has to talk to me then. I never meant to cause any trouble or be a problem myself. I'm just sorry and when you read this, please forgive me.

"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?"

09 Juli, 2006

So it's time again for another entry...
I've taken a chance and lost again...She said she wants it to be normal, but it can never be the same again unless you give back my heart. I'm sick of asking you about your feelings and getting nothing back but a sigh. So you are ok? Than leave me alone. It's not that I hate you, I'm just sick of your games. You want to play with someones heart? Than take another one but mine. I'll never ask you again if you may want me back. I'm looking forward for something new. And if there will be a day, when you come back to me and ask me for a new beginning...I think you have to change some things about yourself...and I'm not so sure that you really can.

So long and thanks for all the socks...(what a personal present)

"Behind your sealed eyes you miss
All that I've done for you
Will you catch me when I run?

If timing play evident
What will you say when you're late?

Stay with me and fall asleep
Pray to God for no bad dreams

Here... I'm still waiting here,
my dear

For one kiss from you
So here... I'm still waiting here, my dear
To kill all of you"

06 Juli, 2006

Sitting in front of the TV and looking for any sense in this modern world, I ask myself how things ended up like this...allthough there's nothing terribly new about my life I'm feeling more sad every day...feels like there's a big black hole inside of me, swallowing all new experiences and feelings...

"I'm sick of endings
I'm done pretending
I just want you back to normal
I think you don't know just how you feel
And every time you think of me
Remember how things used to be not long ago"

04 Juli, 2006

Being rejected for another time, I decided to drink myself away tonight...so I might forget about the pains of love and hate. Thanks to Phil I'm gonna get a blackout tonight...well at least I'm trying it.

"Well I'm tired, so tired of getting up and wasting another day
I wish the picture on the wall would still say it all
But now yesterday is so far away
And I would give anything, say anything
To keep it all like it was
But you just throw it all away"

03 Juli, 2006

After a long time of doing nothing on my blog I decided to keep it up to date as often as I can. As may some of you heard I'm all alone...again. Nothing new to me...but it's a different kind of pain this time. Well, as far as I'm concerned, I'm doing pretty well inspite of all the circumstances. By the way, please don't tell me anymore how sorry you are! I don't want to hear about the sounds they were making and how long it was taking and how the bed was shaking...so please spare me details if you don't mind...so long...

"I've been trying so hard just to keep away and now look where I am standing at today...trying so hard to walk away
But it's impossible to watch you fade away...trying, dying so hard...I've been denying that I'm not scarred
I've been crying, lying so far...but it's impossible to fill this space
Impossible to take your place
Impossible to watch you fade away"